THESE FOUR DECEITFUL years have finally paid off. Every gamble with risk tapped out and loans of backlogs are now compensated in full. I have walked the talk, even when all the talk was cautiously constructed and built on lies and carefully crafted facades tied with authenticity as a complementary ribbon. Being a Legal Management student has never been a walk in the park. But in order to survive, I had to keep lying to myself, for myself, and to surrender the truth will be the last debt I have yet to settle.
The First Lie
“I can do this!”, when in fact I cannot even fathom how I will finish the first reading assignment given to us. To keep the lie rolling, when the guide questions were given to us, I invited my classmates for a group discussion to make it seem like I was handling this college situation well. I was not, I had no idea what they meant by “syllabus,” I had no clue about my program, and the subjects that I would be taking the next few months of my life, and I had absolutely no background on how to find the articles, cases, and sections that were mentioned each meeting.
To hold on to the last strings of hope, one must bleed, I held on to each string as tight as I could to make sure each pluck was tuned to everyone’s liking. I cannot let these last few strings of hope break, I cannot let anyone see the misguided melody I was trying so hard to harmonize, I cannot let them see how callous these hands have become. To sell the bread of lie, a half-baked study habit became my batter of truth, mixing fiction with a dash of facts to make every caramelized information fit the audience. The thing I missed out the most was that the tricks would fall out my sleeves, all fabricated realities were to be watered down into their true colors of fiction and as each lie went out to haunt and taunt me, one thing became clear, I must come clean.
Settlement
Settling this debt comes the reality that I have never felt worthy. Amid the piece of paper that may state otherwise on my graduation day, I have always felt that I will never be worthy of the limelight given to those studying the same course as me. I have never felt qualified enough to be in the same room with the people I have been given the opportunity to encounter and interact with. Now most of you, especially those with whom I am close, may raise an eyebrow or bat an eye but believe me all the platforms provided for me were never because I deserved it, but it was always because I was fortunate enough to be offered one.
My four long years were not because I aced the recitations, quizzes, and examinations but because I have been graced by every answered prayer to have survived each of them. Knowing that this day will come is quite different from experiencing the day itself because who knew it would be as fast as one can say, “Finally!”
Closed Account
Today, my diploma signifies that I was blessed to reach my goal. It testifies that I was loved and supported, that the people I am with, at this point of my life, stuck with every version of me and who I came to be as the years went by. My parents and my sister are the reason I can even pay for my dues until this last penny of thoughts, they have shouldered each rescheduled get-together, became liable for chores I negligently overlooked, and credited my late replies to the more selfish debtor, the Legal Management program.
My safety bubble – Audi, Carms, Dea, Jea, Julia, Marc, Pat, Paolo, and Tricia, although having the same debtor, took it upon themselves to cover some of my own, allowing me to stop and breathe amid the mountain of readings we have to hike. My Monzon Sisters – Britney, Ecay, Patricia, Rayana, and Shanah, the borrowed moments I have with you are the few luxuries I have, I keep each memory in my safe and take them out to get mesmerized from time to time.
My housemates – ate Alyssa, ate Anna, and ate Kaye, although not fully understanding the jargons, took an interest in the things I mentioned and shared, all for the reason of helping me review and ready myself for recitations in the form of chika. My lighthouses – ate Elyn, and ate Joyce, from anxious midnight messages to early morning motivational speeches, granting me time to overshare but keeping me on track when the bills of backlogs are due.
My four-year debt would never have been paid without their infinite funding of love and support. While I may have been the person walking, they were the ones who listened to my endless chatter on the way. Each one of them has seen me struggle, made a path for me, and has cheered me along, each of these people has binged my breakdowns like it was the most awaited weekly released episode yet did not unsubscribe amid their series of fizzles.
As I close this account, I can only hope that I have made these remarkable people feel the same way, for I owe it all to them that this last debt will even get settled. I am Ryan Julianne Monzon, and I claim myself debt-free!